Fact and Fiction.
One of my favourite pass times is making up imaginary situations in my head. Situations I wished had happened, things I could have said, things I would have said, things I should have said and so on. And not to praise myself too much, but my imagination is a little too awesome. And so what happens to me sometimes is that, I am unable to figure out what had actually happened and what I had thought had happened. It’s a weird situation when you can’t separate fact from fiction.
I was very tired, physically and mentally. Things that had been happening as of late had led me to this situation where I would break down at the smallest of things. Sometimes when you have a lot of things happening in your life, and you have someone to talk to about all that, then you don’t feel as down as you’re supposed to feel. But when you have no one to talk to, then you feel even worse than you already feel. And that was my condition at the time. The person I used to talk to usually, had stopped talking to me and thus I felt worse than ever.
That particular day was a very tiring one and by evening I was completely exhausted. I was sitting on the steps outside when suddenly I saw him coming. My ego wouldn’t let me get up and go talk to him, so I sat there pretending to not see him. He came and stood right in front of me, so now I had to acknowledge his presence. I looked at him and then looked down. He came and sat next to me, and spoke to me. I could only nod to what he had to say, he was explaining reasons as to why he wasn’t talking to me. I just refused to speak and eventually he got tired of the silence and walked away. That was my cue to start talking, but like the incredibly lame person I always was, I didn’t. I just sat there staring outside. The sun was slowly going down and the colours in the sky were amazing. On any other day, I would have sat there just marveling at the beauty of the sight, but not that day. I hated the sky, I hated the view, I hated him, hated the people around and most importantly I hated myself.
I just couldn’t sit there any longer, so I got up and prepared to leave. I saw him in the distance, and so I walked a few steps in his direction. In my head, I thought of the things I should say but after walking a few steps, I turned away. I walked away from the steps, away from him and decided to leave the place. I turned and looked back just once to see if he was looking, but I couldn’t make out for sure. I resumed my walking, all for 10 mins and then suddenly stopped. There was a bench there, so I sat down there and stared into nothingness again. I was hoping he’d come and he’d hug me and we’d just sit there and talk again like usual. 5 mins later, I realized that there was someone sitting beside me. I looked at him, he was smiling. He had come and we were talking again. And even though the day was one of the worst days ever, I felt happy, for atleast then.
I never stopped to sit at any bench, I walked 45 mins straight and reached where I had intended to go. No matter how many times I looked behind and beside me, he wasn’t there. And all through the 40 mins I was walking, I just wanted to turn around and go back and apologize and make things right. But I didn’t. I decided not to turn back and the last 5 mins I just cried. And even though everyone tells me that crying is not the solution to any problem, somehow I always felt better after crying. So I cried. And even though I hoped so much, and even made up a situation inside my head where he’d come, it was pointless. It was my turn to turn around and go back but I didn’t.
Most of the times, it’s pointless to think about what you want to do, unless you do it. Wanting and doing something is different. But sometimes, it means something when you didn’t do it either. Something in your head must have stopped you from doing what you wanted to do. And that day I sat thinking about only that, what stopped me from turning around, and Not why I should have, could have, would have done and said.