Young, Raging and Lazy at 19.

I turned 19 some months back. 18 was a milestone- legal to vote, to marry, to take license to drive. 19 was nothing new because I could continue doing all the things I have been doing since I was 18; and that's all. Nothing new, No milestone. Except the fact that it is the last of my teenage years. I'll be turning 20 this year and the thought of it scares me every single day which doesn't make a lot of sense because it's not like I can do something new then; it's just that TWENTY doesn't have a TEEN in it and that makes me worried because now my mood swings, angsty and rebellious behaviour can't be explained away by the raging hormones of adolescence. I'm supposed to be an adult now, young adult atleast. If I were born in my parent's generation, my family would probably be scouting for suitors (not like that's not a possibility in this generation, just I was luckily born into a family that atleast tries to be progressive), and if I were born in my grandparent's generation, I would probably be walking around with two kids and the responsibility of an entire joint family.

And to think that I don't even know which Elective to pick in college at an age where my mother and grand mother probably were considered old enough to have the responsibility of having a family blows my mind sometimes (okay, most of the time). It's not just the idea of 20, it's more about how under utilised my teenage years feel to me. F Scott Fitzgerald was madly in love and in attempt to impress the girl, published a book by the time he was 23. Mark Zuckerburg had developed The Facebook at 19, an age at which he wasn't even legally allowed to drink. So young and to have achieved so much. It just puts things into perspective for me. I don't think I am responsible enough to have a family of my own nor am I writing the next great Novel nor am I going to discover the cure to cancer nor am I going to be in the List of Successful Entrepreneurs below 25.  

You just hope and hope that you are going to make it big by the time you are in your 30s, which means the starting is your 20s and I feel like I won't be "starting" anything. The feeling that you don't have enough experiences and emotions to pull on from to be the next great author or movie maker greatly encourages some people to go out there and make memories and feel things and "live life." But how? How do you "live life"? When you read these books and watch these movies and listen to these songs, you make up this idea in your head that maybe this is what "living" looks like and most of the time you see it around you as well,  courtesy of Instagram posts and Snapchat stories your friends are putting up while you're just drinking Tea in your room and procrastinating on doing your assignments and taking a bath. And you wonder if this is how it's going to be, if this is what life actually looks like and if all those books, movies and songs were lying.

But then, you become bored and read the wikipedia pages of the people who made them and realise while not all those things they talk about could have possibly happened, a lot of it did happen and then you start questioning what it is that you are doing, or rather what it is that you aren't doing? Because I'm sure many of you spent your school life like me, quiet, in hopes of an Amazing college life that they all promised. Well guess what, you can actually have it - Maybe, I think so, At least that's what they tell me. To the others, I know it seems like a disappointment. Maybe it's just a trial run for all the disappointments we have to face in life. Just kidding. (At this point, humour is the only way to go.)

So this is what I have figured out. If you want to do all those "College things" you really have to get off your ass because no one is going to serve anything on a platter for you. And this includes everything from food, to CGPAs, to waking up in the mornings, getting into those clubs, to socialising at College events, to asking that very cute person out.  It's hard to go out there and do things and there's so much Socialising involved because "it's all about networking" (sigh) but I'm assured that "it's all worth it".

But if you don't do this, try not to feel too bad about yourselves. I mean feel bad enough so that you at least do what is required of you but not so bad that you give up completely. Maybe you can give it another shot next year when you're not a teenager anymore and you don't have a choice. At least that's what I'm going to do- spend my last year of teenage being young, raging and lazy. (Mostly lazy though)