Random angsty things

Random "angsty" thing 1

All that hate
and that spite;
the venom through her veins.
The staring eyes
staring at herself, 
at that hard exterior
covering an even harder self.
With care and pleasure
and manipulation at leisure
She plays and makes them play
by her game.
Questionable means
understanding their thoughts,
their wants,
And playing her part perfectly.
She truly is incredible
more than she's been given credit for
much more than she's been cursed,
sworn and abused for.
She deserves so much more
hate and pain
and to have herself cut into pieces 
and heart ripped out and broken.
And then I hope she struggles,
never being able to put it together. 
She deserves this 
and so much more.
Because why not;
who better to judge me
than me. 

Random "angsty" thing 2 (~sort of inspired by Gone Girl)

The most easiest and difficult thing you can do, I realise, is to pretend to care. To pretend to care as much as the person sitting next to you, leaning on you, kissing you. As he tries to figure out what is happening inside your head, you maintain your smile and keep hoping that he never does. So you keep quiet while he kisses your neck and tells you nice things. You smile and take another puff while figuring out yet another lie you could tell him to the question he keeps asking, “Are you happy?” And as you blow the smoke out and see the perfect rings form you ask yourself why you couldn't come to care about this boy who is sitting right there, holding you tight and telling you he loves you in the most convincing way you have ever heard. You take a swig of the liquor you hid inside the bottle and hope that it stops you from thinking and maybe, just maybe he’ll blame the alcohol for how distant, numb, cold and indifferent you seem. Maybe he’ll blame the whiskey flowing in your bloodstream for you being unable to show your feelings. Or maybe he’ll just think you are this way cause you're “afraid to get hurt” and all of that.

I hope he doesn't wake up one day and realise that all the signs were right there. How you never told him you love him every time he whispered it into your ears or shouted it across the room. How you never held him close, took his hand, kissed him. How you never did do anything for him. I hope it doesn't break his heart. Because who would want to be that bitch, who felt nothing even when she broke the heart of the boy who had loved her.  

So what is worse, telling someone you love them without meaning it or not telling them at all?