thoughts on cheating


#1 yesterday
one unnecessary evening
sultry afternoon in its most literal meaning
early mornings i’d rather call late nights, at 3am
when everyone i needed was a little too far away
for love to be spent, shared and i /
i tried to keep my heart, head, knees in place  
thought now is not the right time to love, he isn’t 
the right one to love - tomorrow day
you’ll see his face, the face of the boy 
to whom you made a promise to - said i love you to
in reply to his earnest eyes / 
but in the haziness of the smoke
and sour taste of life, bitter taste of alcohol 
i didn’t need no
sweet talk, small talk, smiles or even charming eyes
i found my chest inches away from someone else / 
fucked my heart, fucked my brains
fucked my fucking insane inane ideas
that seeded into trees of a lust, of need of
words to satisfy the thirst, of hands 
to hold in my hands, ears to nibble at /

#2 today
i trace my neck with my hands
to find alien marks that weren’t there some time ago
pulling my scarf a little close
smiling across the room at he who couldn’t keep his eyes 
off me / i’m trying to defend myself here
trying hard, telling myself i did no wrong
keeping my fingers away from keyboards 
pens from notebooks, head from yesterday day
fuck this, I need a release, i put my pen to paper
i have no pretty imagery, no simile, no metaphor, just a rage 
i need to express somehow / i cringe as i look into my dark-screened phone
reluctantly smiling at the asshole that stares back at me / 
can’t think of nice words, nice things to say about
the bird chirping outside my class 
i would strangle it along with the prof
taking the econ course, just to shut them, mute them
i don’t necessarily need them dead
i just have no nice things to say, to feel
and I know it’s my own fault
your yellow shirt blinds me even from the corner /

#3 tomorrow
maybe it is your fault, i could always find loopholes / 
why wasn’t i in your arms that night 
why weren’t you in my sight
why did i choose to do something when i was so close to happiness
was it cause i was still just / close / never reaches there
maybe it is all your fault 
you shouldn’t have taken a step back giving me space
like i asked you too
i needed you to be so close that you fucking suffocated me
so that i could tell you, you were suffocating me
until you came to the right distance / fuck you and your sensibility 
your sensibility that nodded silently to my bullshit
my “i need you stay away; attach to me detachedly” 
maybe it is your fault that you decided to play fair
in my game / my games that were obviously not on a sane level
no stop/ stop telling me it’s okay 
stop waving your hands around like that 
your face is so sad, your green shirt wrinkled 
i didn’t realise i was twisting it 
you will tell me it’s fine i know / 
we can move past this / it was just that one time / you were not
in your right senses
i smile and cry and thrash my hands around 
kiss you as hard as physically possible / so in love with you / 

#4 tomorrow night 
the game never ends, smoke never fades
there’s always something more to drink
more poems to be read out to  
more hands to hold, more lips to kiss.